The following ramblings are based on real-life experiences, mishaps, and downright screw-ups. Names (of past, present, and future boyfriends) have been changed or omitted to protect the innocent. And the guilty...

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Somebody to Love

I have been single now for three weeks (counting the week before the actual breakup, during which he "needed time to think", and therefore didn't see me), and I'm still standing. The events, revelations, and epiphanies that have unfolded in the past 21 days have been rather astounding and, for the most part, a source of pride for me. I am proud of myself for realizing what I need for my life, and further for realizing that I wasn't getting it from my relationship. I am proud of myself for finally admitting that I deserve to get what I need, and for walking away from a person who just couldn't give it to me, no matter how hard either of us tried. I am proud of myself for realizing my part in the downward spiral that was my relationship, and for understanding my role in all disastrous relationships past. And, most of all, I am proud of myself for making the decision to address my inner demons, get past them, and learn to love the beautiful person inside (yes, I said beautiful - when describing myself - which is a big step in and of itself).

But, I haven't been the pinnacle of maturity and grace, by any means. I have had moments of weakness and childishness; pettiness and self-loathing. Every day it gets a little better, until it gets a little worse. But then I rally, remember why I walked in the first place, and I forgive myself for my imperfections. I am human, and sometimes, it's just going to be hard. I have to be kind to myself, and give myself time to recover.

For most of my adult life, my theme song has been Queen's Somebody to Love. I've felt like my life would never be complete, or even begin, until I found "The One". I dug my fingernails into every relationship, no matter how bad, and hung on to love for dear life. None of them were right - or even close (though, not always for lack of trying or good intentions). But, nonetheless, I acted as if each and every boyfriend was the last man on Earth, and I'd be forever alone and worthless without him.

I'm happy to report that things have changed. I understand that the next relationship won't necessarily be the last, and that I can be okay on my own either way. Don't get me wrong - I would still love to find my future husband. But, it just isn't the only thing on my mind these days. I'm learning to appreciate the finer things in my life: GREAT friends, family, a decent job, an adorable house, a fantastic education, and unlimited potential. Best of all, I have a clean slate. I can live the rest of my life as anyone I want to be - and that is a confident, independent, loving, motivated woman, and someone who understands that she is just fine - no, FABULOUS - just the way she is.

I've already found my Somebody to Love. She's been there all along. And she is ME.

Relationship: A Story in Song

Hellogoodbye widget by 6L &

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All At OnceFray lyrics text from [lyricsyoulove.com]

Defying GravityGlee Cast lyrics text from [lyricsyoulove.com]


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