Manic Monday

MANIC being the operative word. Today has been one of those crazy days.  Study break's over and it was back to work.  Sort of.  Suffice it to say, it was difficult to get back into the swing of things.  In large part because of the emotional roller-coaster I found myself on this morning, and of which I couldn't seem to get off.  


I think it started last night when I cried at Keeping Up with the Kardashians.  Yes, I know.  (In my defense, Kourtney DID give birth to Mason Dash on last night's episode.  Weddings and babies are always an excuse for tears.)  But, that emotional irrationality seemed to run beyond trashy TV and trickle into today.  Maybe it's hormones.  Maybe it's the fact that today would've been my first anniversary with The Ex.  Maybe it's the fact that I haven't slept well in a week or that I probably failed the CPA exam AGAIN.  Who knows.  It's probably a little of all of that.  To top it all off, I gave Rupert a bath last night (see Thursday's edition of Random's Manifest for details on our skin dilemma), and he hasn't come out from under the bed since.  I'm quite worried at this point... 


But, alas, we all have these days.  They're the days that set back our attempts at optimism and self-growth.  They're the days that make us wish we'd stayed in bed.  And they're the days when we head home to watch Secret Life of the American Teenager (crap - did I actually admit that in a public forum?), because utter and complete stupidity and absurdity is the only cure for emotional unrest.  Chocolate also helps.  And, getting to bed at a decent hour.  I'm thinking 10:00 sounds like a good bedtime for me tonight.  That way I can see Make It or Break It, too... 


As craptabulous as these days may be, I take comfort in the fact that I always seem to get through them.  Always.  They've never killed me - not even close.  They're just bad days.  And they only have as much power over me as I give them.  I also take comfort in the fact that I am only human.  I'm allowed to have bad days, sad days, mad days, or even rad days (yeah, took the rhyming too far, I know).  In the end, they're all just days.  One of the roughly 29,000 that I'm likely to live through.  So, after a good cry, some chocolate, some reallllllly bad TV, and a decent night's sleep, I'm taking my power back from today.  And remembering that tomorrow's another, brand new, super duper, extra fantastic, rocking rad day.  

(But I will take any suggestions you may have on how to get my cat out from under the bed...)     

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Post script: 


Rupert came out from under the bed.  :)  I think he even went downstairs to have a snack.  Whew.  


Also - Can I just say how much I LOVE Hallmark's new line of cards for cheering on your kids??  Moms and Dads out there - go to Hallmark and get a FREE card for your little guys and gals.  I mean, they're free!  I would've absolutely loved to have gotten a card like these from my mom on tough days when I was a kid (hell, let's be honest - I would've loved to have gotten one today!).  What a nice, neat, simple, and FREE thing to do for your little munchkins.  Yay Hallmark!  Salute to you!!

And last - Jen Lancaster IS about to publish a new book!  SOOOO excited!  My Fair Lazy  I already know it's going to be perfect. Woo hoo!!!!!  


What a difference an hour makes.

On Love, In Sadness

Sadness really pisses me off. Not because he makes me feel like crap, but because he's such an elusive little bastard. He can come out of nowhere, at any time, at any place. There's no logic to it. You're just humming along, rocking out to some Jason Mraz, and WHAMMO. You're sad. You start thinking about your past, lost relationships, and seemingly empty future. You go from perfectly content to perfectly miserable, all before the light changes at the intersection.

That happened to me today. I got some studying in this morning, had a good lunch at Panera, and then saw Valentine's Day with my sis and a friend. (It was cute. A little too "happily ever after" for my taste, but fun nonetheless.) I hit up the library, and then headed home in beautiful snowfall. Everything was great. Then, BAM. Sad. I don't know why. It wasn't expected, and there was no reason for it. It just hit me.

Jennifer Garner's character in the movie said that Valentine's Day was the single girl's ultimate cosmic bitch slap. That may be so, but Valentine's Day isn't the source of the slap. Sure, it's what you feel whap your face every year on February 14th, but Valentine's Day is just the hand of Sadness. Even though V-day may deliver the blow, Sadness is the impetus behind it. Even more bad news - Sadness has another hand, and that one can slug you any day of the year. Even on Friday, February 12th. The good news? Just because you're in the ring with Sadness, doesn't mean you're down and out.

I know that sometimes we just have to be sad. It's part of grieving and part of growing. But, that doesn't mean we must give into Sadness every time he sneak-attacks. Sometimes, we need to sucker punch Sadness right in the gut. And during those times, life has a funny way of giving us just the tools we need to fight back. Here are the tools life so generously handed me today:

Jen Schefft's Better Single Than Sorry I only have a couple of pages left in this fabulous book, and every page I read just further validates my decision regarding my most recent relationship, and the outcome of all of my failed relationships past. The little bit that I read when I got home absolutely nailed what I was feeling at that moment. It helped me remember what I need from a relationship, and reminded me that I wasn't getting it from the Ex. Not because the Ex is a bad guy, but just because he was a bad fit for me. I deserve to find someone who is truly and effortlessly compatible with me. Not only that, but I know now that he's out there. Suddenly, I didn't miss the Ex so much. Kristen 1, Sadness 0.

Welcome and unexpected Valentine's Greetings. While I was reading BSTS, the doorbell rang. On my front porch was a box from 1-800-Flowers. In it was an adorable tea rose plant, and a box of chocolates. Funny thing about my dad. Occasionally he forgets our birthdays, and he's even forgotten Christmas before, but he NEVER forgets Valentine's Day. All three of his girls get something special on or before the dreaded day. He wants to make sure that, no matter where we are in our relationships (or even if we're not in one at all), he loves us. And so does my nephew. I got an adorable Cookie Monster card from him this evening, too, and he'd even written his own name on it (and his handwriting is improving so much! - He's 3, btw...). He's so excited about V-day, and can't wait to share it with his Mommy, Mimi (Grandma), and Aunt Kristen. I'm pretty damn lucky, and couldn't ask for a better man to celebrate with. Kristen - 2, Sadness - 0.

Finally, the snow. It's B-eautiful. And accumulating fast! Not in an "oh my God, I'm going to be stuck in this house with nothing to eat but stale saltines" way, but in the "snuggle up with the kitty and watch the Opening Ceremonies" type of way. Totally setting the mood for the Olympics, and for a peaceful and productive weekend (remember, I'm studying). It's making me smile. Kristen - 3, Sadness - 0.

Thanks, life, for helping me fight Sadness today. And for giving me the tools I needed to win. Here's hoping that this afternoon will mark the Big S's one and only appearance this weekend...

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Side note - How frickin' awesome is this video? Watch it. Notice the 'stache on Matthew Wilder. And, is that a glittery green thong leotard on that one girl? Wow. Only in the late 70s/early 80s. Gotta love it!

Somebody to Love

I have been single now for three weeks (counting the week before the actual breakup, during which he "needed time to think", and therefore didn't see me), and I'm still standing. The events, revelations, and epiphanies that have unfolded in the past 21 days have been rather astounding and, for the most part, a source of pride for me. I am proud of myself for realizing what I need for my life, and further for realizing that I wasn't getting it from my relationship. I am proud of myself for finally admitting that I deserve to get what I need, and for walking away from a person who just couldn't give it to me, no matter how hard either of us tried. I am proud of myself for realizing my part in the downward spiral that was my relationship, and for understanding my role in all disastrous relationships past. And, most of all, I am proud of myself for making the decision to address my inner demons, get past them, and learn to love the beautiful person inside (yes, I said beautiful - when describing myself - which is a big step in and of itself).

But, I haven't been the pinnacle of maturity and grace, by any means. I have had moments of weakness and childishness; pettiness and self-loathing. Every day it gets a little better, until it gets a little worse. But then I rally, remember why I walked in the first place, and I forgive myself for my imperfections. I am human, and sometimes, it's just going to be hard. I have to be kind to myself, and give myself time to recover.

For most of my adult life, my theme song has been Queen's Somebody to Love. I've felt like my life would never be complete, or even begin, until I found "The One". I dug my fingernails into every relationship, no matter how bad, and hung on to love for dear life. None of them were right - or even close (though, not always for lack of trying or good intentions). But, nonetheless, I acted as if each and every boyfriend was the last man on Earth, and I'd be forever alone and worthless without him.

I'm happy to report that things have changed. I understand that the next relationship won't necessarily be the last, and that I can be okay on my own either way. Don't get me wrong - I would still love to find my future husband. But, it just isn't the only thing on my mind these days. I'm learning to appreciate the finer things in my life: GREAT friends, family, a decent job, an adorable house, a fantastic education, and unlimited potential. Best of all, I have a clean slate. I can live the rest of my life as anyone I want to be - and that is a confident, independent, loving, motivated woman, and someone who understands that she is just fine - no, FABULOUS - just the way she is.

I've already found my Somebody to Love. She's been there all along. And she is ME.

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Relationship: A Story in Song

Hellogoodbye widget by 6L &

Celine Dion widget by 6L &

All At Once – Fray lyrics text from [lyricsyoulove.com]

Defying Gravity – Glee Cast lyrics text from [lyricsyoulove.com]

All the Right Friends

FRIENDS. They are one of the greatest gifts we can receive. Mine have been so amazing throughout this whole ordeal, that I can't believe I could possibly be so blessed. Having all of the people I love listen to me bitch and whine for what feels like an eternity, help me come to some seriously important realizations, and then stand behind me through a very tough decision has shown me that, although I might not have a man in my life, my cup runneth over.

I love you all!!

(Oh, and REALLY crappy TV doesn't hurt either. Because, like I always say, no matter how bad things get - they're never as bad as they are in Genoa City!!)

Say Hello, Wave Goodbye

Starting the blog off on a bit of a sad note, because I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. So, a lot of songs are hitting home today. Here's a sampling of what's pulled at the heartstrings so far... (Notice the mood-swings. Yep, breaking up makes me a little bit insane...)

The Fray - All at Once

Looking for the right one
you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Maybe you want it maybe you need it,
Maybe it's all you're running from,
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Prince - Let's Go Crazy

Dearly beloved
We are gathered here today2 get through this thing called life
Electric word lifeIt means forever and that's a mighty long time
But I'm here 2 tell u
There's something else
The afterworld
A world of never ending happiness
U can always see the sun, day or night
So when u call up that shrink in Beverly Hills
U know the one - Dr Everything'll Be Alright
Instead of asking him how much of your time is left
Ask him how much of your mind, baby
'Cuz in this life
Things are much harder than in the afterworld
In this life
You're on your own
And if de-elevator tries 2 bring u down
Go crazy - punch a higher floor

Jimmy Fallon - Idiot Boyfriend

I know what you want, and I know what you need
But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah
Cause I'm an idiot, and I'm your boyfriend, yes I am

I'm gonna take you out, and leave my wallet home
Then I use your cell phone, baby
Long distance, and I'm your boyfriend
Baby I know I'm a man who's made mistakes
I still got some learning to do
I made out with your best friend the other day,
and Now we're best friends too
Yeah Yeah
And I know what you want, and I know what you need
But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah
Cause I'm an idiot, and I'm your boyfriend,
yes I am
And I'm gonna get you a gift, Hey!
But it’s something I like too
Hope you like this Norelco Beard trimmer with my name on it,
And I'm your boyfriend...
Then we'll have the living room all to ourselves, you see
We'll put on some great DVD's I picked up
How bout like, something like the Matrix
Hey baby you like fine cooking? Cause you know what?
I got a swanson's dinner in the freezer with your name on it
Check it out
Yeah!I got a permanent wave, yeah!
I got an ogilvie home perm, baby


Nick Jonas (Shut it - it's a great song!) - Who I Am

Nothing makes sense, nothing makes sense anymore
Nothing is right, nothing is right when you're gone
I'm losing my breath, I'm losing my right to be wrong
I'm frightened to death, I'm frightened that I won't be strong
I want someone to love me
For who I am
I want someone to need me
Is that so bad?
I wanna break all the madness
But it's all I have
I want someone to love me
For who I am
I'm shaking it off, I'm shaking off all of the pain.
Breaking my heart, breaking my heart once again