The following ramblings are based on real-life experiences, mishaps, and downright screw-ups. Names (of past, present, and future boyfriends) have been changed or omitted to protect the innocent. And the guilty...

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Little Bird (Wordless Wednesday)

Monday, April 25, 2011

Waist So Skinny - Mondays

So, the whole diet thing?  Not going so well.  I forgot to weigh myself this morning in my frenzy to catch a 7:30 flight (running through the airport OJ Simpson-style to the gate only to have the flight delayed an hour...), but I know I wouldn't like the results if I had.  I thought forcing myself to post my dieting failures would prevent them from occurring, but I would be wrong.  As such, in no particular order, I bring you this week's list of excuses for why I didn't watch the ol' weight (Incidentally, the following also serve as my excuses for not blogging hardly at all, either): 

  1. I was traveling for work.  We've already discussed the negative impact that has on all my good intentions. 
  2. On said work trip, I caught strep from some nasty fat lady in front of me who wouldn't stop coughing and blowing her nose on the sold-out flight.  Grr... 
  3. I stayed at my mom's while my out-of-town family stayed at my house, so I'd have my own bed and not infect anyone.  Therefore, I was at the mercy of my mom's menu for the weekend. And it was quite tasty!
  4. It was Easter. 
  5. The internet was down from Friday morning until tonight at my mom's (yeah, yeah - I know that shouldn't affect my diet.  It did prevent me from posting any brilliant witticisms, though...).
  6. That Chick-Fil-A milkshake was very soothing on my strep-ridden throat! (As was the second one I had today...) 
  7. I was in Wisconsin, so I needed the body fat in order to keep warm. 
  8. Actually, I really just need to say: I was in Wisconsin.  Let's face it, that's excuse enough.  
At the moment, I'm in Reading, PA.  As such, I have already started working on my list for next week's entry.  In the meantime, I think I'll embrace the curves... 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Trash Talk - Tuesday (on Wednesday)


Today's (well, yesterday's) topic... 

The Stupid Disguises on Y&R: A Photo Essay

For those of you who are new(ish) to Musical Musings, you may not know that I watch the Young & the Restless - and have religiously since birth.  It's hella stupid, I know, but boy do I love it!  NEVER miss an episode.  

The soap is dumb.  It's supposed to be.  It's unrealistic and crazy and silly and, if taken seriously or over-analyzed, it's insulting to a person of somewhat average intelligence.  This insult is arguably most evident in the writers' pathetic efforts to masquerade its characters when they're spying on one another, stealing trade secrets, or, most commonly, running from the law.  When they can't write in a complete plastic surgery makeover (see this issue of Trash Talk for more on the absurdity of that), they resort to the most clever of disguises! (No sarcasm there at all...)  

Some examples: 

1. This is Sharon: 

Sharon has been accused of murder.  She knocked out her guard in the ladies room and escaped from the courthouse after her conviction.  With the help of her luv-ah Adam, she's now a fugitive on the run.  But, with this foolproof plan, I'm sure NO ONE will ever find her!

Because everybody knows it only takes slutty clothes and hair a shade darker to evade capital murder charges! 

2.  And, here's Skye: 

Incidentally, this is the woman Sharon has been accused of murdering.  But before she fell down a volcano to her untimely demise, she was already supposed to be dead.  Victor, Skye's (and Sharon's) father-in-law, helped Skye fake her own death and escape to Hawaii.  Since the Newmans are the equivalent of the Trumps in Soap-Land, I'm sure the news of a Newman wife's death would never make it all the way to the islands.  Just in case, though, Skye came up with this killer guise: 

With realistic Heidi braids like these, she's home free!!

3. Jack is a mainstay of Y&R.  He's been on it since the beginning of time.  This is Jack on a typical day:

Jack flew to Hawaii (to find Skye).  Knowing that he'd be recognized by Victor's strategically-placed lackeys if he went as himself, he chose to portray a middle-aged surfer/drifter: 

Because, I guess if he gets some salt water in his hair and says "dude" enough, he's basically a whole different person... 

4. Across town, and unrelated to the Sharon/Skye/Victor/Jack debacle, Jana, who normally looks like this: 

Is up to all kinds of no good.  She's decided to find her ex-hubby's niece - who she suspects has been sold to a black-market baby broker - in a pathetic attempt to win him back. (OMG - I am realizing how ridiculous this show really is, seeing the plot-lines in writing...)  So, she goes "undercover" (read, fake baby belly and a crappy accent) to meet the kiddie-dealer:

And then again to investigate a suspicious bank account number: 

I know I'm fooled!

(Sorry the spacing is all messed up.  I really don't have the patience to fix the HTML right now.) 

5. Suspicious of Jana's wacky behavior, Chloe and Gloria: 


Decide to partake in a little breaking & entering to sift through Jana's belongings for clues.  


C'mon, what good lawbreaker's wardrobe doesn't include a stealthy cat-suit??  I mean, you just KNOW you're getting caught without one!

6. Last, but CERTAINLY not least, is Adam: 

Adam is THE BEST at disguises!!  

This is Sabrina - Victor's late wife: 

Here is Adam - playing the dead Sabrina: 

Uncanny, isn't it?!?!?!  Convincing enough to drive Ashley (the blond in the first picture) to the mental institution, anyway! 

But, even better than his Sabrina get-up is Adam's affinity for baseball caps and sunglasses.  It seems that this convicted murderer, forger, fugitive, perjurer, and all-around stand-up guy need only don his favorite hat, a pair of sunglasses, or maybe some strategically-placed flowers to get away with - well - any of the aforementioned crimes: 


Adam - for your ingenuity and remarkable effectiveness, we salute you!!  And to the writers of Y&R?  Maybe you SHOULD quit your day jobs... 

Monday, April 18, 2011

Waist So Skinny - Mondays

Week Two:

Weight: +0.6 lbs

Times Exercised: 0 
Lapses in Judgment/Overindulgences: 9
Incidences of Shame/Guilt: 9

Dieting is for chumps.

(Actually, I guess I'm NOT a Loser.  That's precisely the problem...)

Friday, April 15, 2011

Letter Read

What a fun, fun little Link Up!  It's "Passing Notes" day!!  The task is to handwrite or draw or doodle or whatever something - just like you did in grade school - and then post it! 

Passing Notes at O. is Me!

Katie over at Words By Katie listed her favorite things about living alone.  Meg, the host of "Passing Notes" at O. is Me, listed the fun stuff she wants to do this summer.  

I LOOOOOOVE writing with markers and doodling and making up stupid poems and listing song lyrics.  Apparently, I always have.  I kept a notebook back in high school that I shared with friends.  We passed notes in it, wrote poetry, and drew each other pictures.  AND – I still have it!  So, instead of drawing something new for you guys today, I decided to post some  “vintage” notes – circa 1994 (sophomore year).  Hope you enjoy my dorkiness!  Don’t mock me too much…

I swear this is real.  Classic!  I’m appalled at my grammar, though.  The smartass response, however?  No surprise. 

(Side note – I forgot my little notebook in Bio one day.  My teacher decided to put it up on the chalk-dish at the blackboard so I could claim it.  She felt the need to turn it to this page before she did so.  It sat there for all to see for two days.  That wasn’t at all embarrassing.) 

This is pretty self-explanatory.  Totally random and a bit ridiculous, perhaps, but self-explanatory nonetheless.

J-Non – my “bestie” for the last 20 years practically – decided the other shoe deserved some attention…

How am I an accountant/attorney and not a world-renowned artist right now, I don’t know.   (Note the song lyrics in the upper right-hand corner.  This was a favorite pastime of mine – drawing pictures to go with songs.  See?  Here' are some more...)

 Alrighty, I’ll stop now.  How fun was this (for me, anyway)?  Hope you enjoyed getting inside my adolescent head.  Now, go pass a note to somebody! 


Thursday, April 14, 2011

Random's Manifest - Thursday Thoughts

Hello boys and girls! 

Last I checked, it's Thursday!  And you know what that means!!!!!


Shall we begin? 

Ice Cream Man!  

That's pretty much all I have to say about that.  Like clockwork, EVERY SINGLE DAY - rain, sleet, hail, snow - it doesn't matter.  The ice cream man is a helluva lot more reliable than the mail-persons around here.  I think he might be a front for something.  Drug ring?  Maybe.  More likely though, he's a Narc hired by the homeowner's association.  I swear, those people never miss a violation.  If I'm an hour late in getting my trashcan inside?  Nastygram.  Wreath with a red bow up the week after Christmas?  Nastygram.  Friend parked on the curb?  Nastygram (and sometimes a big sticker on their windshield).  Pretty clever when you think about it.  What better way to spy on your friends and neighbors than by selling their kids sugar-laden goods?  

So Much for That Plan!  

Diet?  What diet?  I know I'm not dieting!  Or, at least you'd never know it by what I've consumed in the last 48 hours!  Work trips are kryptonite for dieting.  Corporate Amex + delicious restaurants + tired Kristen = 5,000 calories.  I used up all of my bonus points for the week and then some on several delicious meals.  The good thing?  I'm STILL full, so I think I can skip dinner tonight.  Maybe I'll be able to resist temptation over the weekend, too, since I didn't just whet my appetite, I drenched it... 

Much Too Young to Feel This Damn Old 

I am 32.  You all know this.  However, I am blessed to be able to say that most people never guess a day over 25 - at the oldest.  (Okay, maybe 27 once or twice...)  No wrinkles to speak of and not a grey hair in sight.  And I have one of those "baby" (read, fat) faces that allows me to keep a "youthful glow".  So why am I bitching?  That would be because of the waddle.  No, not this kind of waddle: 

Rather, this kind of waddle: 

As aforementioned, I have a plump face.  But now, I have this THING hanging down where no chin should be!  Hot damn!  I did NOT sign on for this!  

You know I don't post pictures of myself.  For privacy reasons, and because I LOATHE pictures.  But to be fair, please know that I do NOT look like this: 

Or this: 

Or, heaven forbid, this: 

(THANK GOD!!  And for a multitude of reasons!) 

But, I am starting to look a little bit like this: 

So, dear readers, what in the world can I do about it??  Despite my weakness for As-Seen-On-TV exercise equipment, I'm not to the place in my life where I will be pressing "Pay Now" on these items any time soon:


(Well... Maybe just that last one...)

But, I am on the lookout for DIY exercises that actually work!  Anybody know of any?  If so, please enlighten me.  (But, no, I do NOT need to hear how the aforementioned break in my diet might be directly correlated with my chicken-chin, thank you very much.  I am well aware.) 

The Moment You've Been Waiting For!!!!

If you look to your right, you'll notice that I am up to 39 followers.  Better, but not best.  Since I am certainly not above bribery and groveling, I have decided that it's time for Musical Musings' VERY FIRST 

Glitter Text - http://www.sparklee.com

That's right!  Free stuff!  WOOT!!!! 

I'm not telling you the details just yet - but know that it will be AWESOME (of course).  So, recruit followers!  When there's fifty of you guys over there, I'll announce the killer prizes and the rules for entry!  (Don't worry, it won't be difficult.)  I know you're on the edges of your seats!

Gee, I hope I Don't Get Fired! 

I was supposed to be at a dinner/awards ceremony this evening.  However, I was out of town for work. So, I had to drive back home rather quickly in order to make it on time.  Note, I did not want to go to the banquet.  They are boring.  On the other hand, I DID want to go to the Coach outlet that's on my way home from the client location.  If people in my state could drive, I would've been able to do both.  However, due to a broken-down tractor trailer, street paving at the most inopportune time imaginable (5:30 pm), and people who can't seem to understand that they post those "Slow Down, Paving Ahead" signs for a reason, my two-hour drive quickly turned to three.  Needless to say, I didn't make it to the banquet.  But, I do now own these: 


Assuming I don't get fired for missing the banquet (we weren't getting an award or anything, we just had a table and no butts to go in the seats), I think it was well worth it.  

Alrighty kiddos, with that, I am off.  Hope you've had a fabulous Thursday and are super-psyched for Friday!  

Hasta pasta! 


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Say Something Funny - The Whenever I Feel Like It Facebook Status Awards!

I haven't done this in a while!  It's time for FACEBOOK STATUS AWARDS!  For those of you who are new to Musical Musings, this is when I salute the wit, hilarity, and pure comic genius of all of my Facebook pals (and it serves as an excellent cop-out when I'm too tired or in too much of a food coma to come up with something original - which is most definitely the case right now).  So, without further adieu, some of my favorites of late... 

A day in the life:
  • FUCK why did I think the 5 hour energy @ 10 pm was a good idea?
  • I'm just having one of those bird-glued-to-my-head days.
  • The total number of times I have walked into our screen door has not yet exceeded the total number of times I have fallen while putting my pants on.
  • Watching yet another season of Dancing with the Somewhat Well-Known.
  • I figured out what wakes me up... Lady Gagas new song blasting on my alarm clock across the room... Was dancing on my way to turn it off, but that ended when I fell into the dresser then I realized how much i hate waking up before 7 am
  • I'm wearing shorts for the first time this season. Consider yourself warned. 
  • [Husband] has strep! I'm so excited, I could punch myself right in the face!
  • Check in... The bathroom.
  • Our library is right next to Barnes & Noble. Sometimes when I pick up some books, I'll wave them at the B&N snobs and yell "SUCKERS!"
  • Currently eating the best meal known to man: French fries dipped in a Frosty. Why? Because I'm a grown up.
  • I had a dream I was lying awake in my bed all night. And today I'm tired as hell. Weird.

Ah, Kids:
  • My daughter is 2. She's REALLY good at it.
  • My darling daughter's quote of the week: "Come down here right NOW Mommy [Last Name]! This t.v. is NOT working!".... Oh Lord.
  • Day has improved dramatically! A 4th grader just told me and then someone else I was her best friend! :)
  • Cleaning the house before your kids are grown is like shoveling the driveway before it stops snowing. ~unknown
  • There is either a mouse or a zhu zhu pet hiding in our downstairs office!! I am way to freaked out to figure it out...
  • A while back, we told Ben that thunder was just God moving furniture in heaven. Tonight he said, God needed to keep it down because he couldn't hear his show.
  • I sang the entire theme to Mr. Belvedere to my first graders today to blank stares. Kids nowadays just don't appreciate butler themed vigoroso.
  • Talking about heroes today and a student asked me who my hero was. I told him Bill Murray. He asked who that was and I told him that he fought ghosts and then freed the slaves. He said Bill Murray was his new hero too. I love molding young minds.
  • [Son], my 5yo, just came into the room with a plastic sword, yelled "LOOK DAD, THIS BOOMERANG IS BROKEN!" and threw it at my head.

In case you didn’t know:
  • FYI, coconut milk coffee creamer tastes like burning.
  • A tongue ring is like a tramp-stamp for your face.

Relationships are Overrated:
  • Dear girls who have been dumped,
    • There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
    • Sincerely,
    • BP
  • If your life had a face I'd punch it.

That’s a really good question:
  • How many of my friends did you make out with this weekend?
  • Riddle me this: Grown man selling candy apples on the corner of Ghetto & Hood in M-town. Drugs in apples? Or get drugs when given change? Confused.
  • [Friend] wonders if Statue of Liberty costumes sell during any other time of the year or just at tax time.
  • So, Addams Family on Broadway?! Are they *THAT* out of ideas?!

  • Dear Northerners who had snow: I had to drive around today with my A/C on because it was too hot to drive with the windows down. Suck on that.
  • From the amount of suck I just witnessed while driving home in the rain, it's become all too apparent that people did not grow up playing Rad Mobile like I did.

Stupid Chemistry Jokes: 


  • 2 scientists walk into a bar. The first one goes "I'll have some h2o." The second one says "I'll have some h2o too." But then he dies.

(Yes, I know that’s a math joke, but it didn’t warrant a whole new section)

  • A neutron walks into a bar, orders a drink and asks the bartender "How much?" The bartender looks over and says, "For you? No charge."

Just Plain Random:
  • Olive Garden - where fired Outback servers end up.
  • I'm not sure why you aren't at the Cat Expo at the Agricenter!
  • Haikus are easy.  
    • But Sometimes they don't make sense.  
    • Refrigerator.
  • Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo.  - That is a completely legitimate English sentence.
  • "I don't have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit."
  • Q x Coefficient of Angst = Inverse of Actual Usefulness

Hope you enjoyed!  Off to sleep in my "Heavenly" Westin bed.  Nighty, Night!


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