The following ramblings are based on real-life experiences, mishaps, and downright screw-ups. Names (of past, present, and future boyfriends) have been changed or omitted to protect the innocent. And the guilty...

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Say Something Funny - The Whenever I Feel Like It Facebook Status Awards!

I haven't done this in a while!  It's time for FACEBOOK STATUS AWARDS!  For those of you who are new to Musical Musings, this is when I salute the wit, hilarity, and pure comic genius of all of my Facebook pals (and it serves as an excellent cop-out when I'm too tired or in too much of a food coma to come up with something original - which is most definitely the case right now).  So, without further adieu, some of my favorites of late... 

A day in the life:
  • FUCK why did I think the 5 hour energy @ 10 pm was a good idea?
  • I'm just having one of those bird-glued-to-my-head days.
  • The total number of times I have walked into our screen door has not yet exceeded the total number of times I have fallen while putting my pants on.
  • Watching yet another season of Dancing with the Somewhat Well-Known.
  • I figured out what wakes me up... Lady Gagas new song blasting on my alarm clock across the room... Was dancing on my way to turn it off, but that ended when I fell into the dresser then I realized how much i hate waking up before 7 am
  • I'm wearing shorts for the first time this season. Consider yourself warned. 
  • [Husband] has strep! I'm so excited, I could punch myself right in the face!
  • Check in... The bathroom.
  • Our library is right next to Barnes & Noble. Sometimes when I pick up some books, I'll wave them at the B&N snobs and yell "SUCKERS!"
  • Currently eating the best meal known to man: French fries dipped in a Frosty. Why? Because I'm a grown up.
  • I had a dream I was lying awake in my bed all night. And today I'm tired as hell. Weird.

Ah, Kids:
  • My daughter is 2. She's REALLY good at it.
  • My darling daughter's quote of the week: "Come down here right NOW Mommy [Last Name]! This t.v. is NOT working!".... Oh Lord.
  • Day has improved dramatically! A 4th grader just told me and then someone else I was her best friend! :)
  • Cleaning the house before your kids are grown is like shoveling the driveway before it stops snowing. ~unknown
  • There is either a mouse or a zhu zhu pet hiding in our downstairs office!! I am way to freaked out to figure it out...
  • A while back, we told Ben that thunder was just God moving furniture in heaven. Tonight he said, God needed to keep it down because he couldn't hear his show.
  • I sang the entire theme to Mr. Belvedere to my first graders today to blank stares. Kids nowadays just don't appreciate butler themed vigoroso.
  • Talking about heroes today and a student asked me who my hero was. I told him Bill Murray. He asked who that was and I told him that he fought ghosts and then freed the slaves. He said Bill Murray was his new hero too. I love molding young minds.
  • [Son], my 5yo, just came into the room with a plastic sword, yelled "LOOK DAD, THIS BOOMERANG IS BROKEN!" and threw it at my head.

In case you didn’t know:
  • FYI, coconut milk coffee creamer tastes like burning.
  • A tongue ring is like a tramp-stamp for your face.

Relationships are Overrated:
  • Dear girls who have been dumped,
    • There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
    • Sincerely,
    • BP
  • If your life had a face I'd punch it.

That’s a really good question:
  • How many of my friends did you make out with this weekend?
  • Riddle me this: Grown man selling candy apples on the corner of Ghetto & Hood in M-town. Drugs in apples? Or get drugs when given change? Confused.
  • [Friend] wonders if Statue of Liberty costumes sell during any other time of the year or just at tax time.
  • So, Addams Family on Broadway?! Are they *THAT* out of ideas?!

  • Dear Northerners who had snow: I had to drive around today with my A/C on because it was too hot to drive with the windows down. Suck on that.
  • From the amount of suck I just witnessed while driving home in the rain, it's become all too apparent that people did not grow up playing Rad Mobile like I did.

Stupid Chemistry Jokes: 


  • 2 scientists walk into a bar. The first one goes "I'll have some h2o." The second one says "I'll have some h2o too." But then he dies.

(Yes, I know that’s a math joke, but it didn’t warrant a whole new section)

  • A neutron walks into a bar, orders a drink and asks the bartender "How much?" The bartender looks over and says, "For you? No charge."

Just Plain Random:
  • Olive Garden - where fired Outback servers end up.
  • I'm not sure why you aren't at the Cat Expo at the Agricenter!
  • Haikus are easy.  
    • But Sometimes they don't make sense.  
    • Refrigerator.
  • Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo.  - That is a completely legitimate English sentence.
  • "I don't have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit."
  • Q x Coefficient of Angst = Inverse of Actual Usefulness

Hope you enjoyed!  Off to sleep in my "Heavenly" Westin bed.  Nighty, Night!


Cheeseboy said...

I am so honored to have 5 mentions! Thank you! Glad to keep you entertained as you do me. Others here were hilarious.

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