The Bitch Is Back

Wow, Gentle Readers. It certainly has been a while. I'm not even going to begin to explain all that has happened in the last SEVEN years - I shall only say that I lost my creativity somewhere along the way. But, I want to get it back. I've delved into photography and drawing recently and I'm not too bad at either, but my original love is for the written. The only way I will find my mojo again is to just start putting pen to paper. Or fingers to keyboard, as it were. And I plan to go back through my blog posts of  yore to see if that will spark some inspiration. And if I can remember how to use Blogger, I may even update some of the MANY broken links I see have developed... 

Blogging is a lost art. And by lost, I mean that America has lost interest in it. With Twitter and Snapchat and Insta-stories, you can get everyone's thoughts on everything in a split second. I admit, I do embrace a Social Media outlet or two, but I am a bit more old-fashioned than all that. I value the narrative over the blurb, and think that some ramblings deserve more than a mere 280 characters. For instance, this rant on aging that I shall now commence:

WTF, people? When? Why? How?

One day, people still think I'm in my late twenties. And the next - and I mean OVERNIGHT - I am three measly months shy of my *cough, cough - heart palpitations - cough* FORTIETH birthday and find myself falling apart.

Where did that gray hair come from? And that one? And the one over there?!? And when did my eyes start to look like bird feet?? And when did my chest start to take on the appearance of that gift bag filler I shoved in my mom's birthday present?

Oh, and the biggest question of all: WHERE DID I GET ALL THESE CHINS?!?!?!?!

And don't for a minute think that all these new karmic bitch-slaps came with a reprieve on the acne. OH NO. I have ADULT acne, now!! It's even more awesome because you can't just burn it off with that OTC Clearasil you've used for decades anymore. OH NO. NOW you have to figure out how to balance detoxification with moisturizing and clarifying and hormone regulating. For the love of all that is holy, getting old sucks.

ESPECIALLY if you're an old WOMAN. Stupid men just look distinguished. And somehow get even hotter. Points in case?  

THIS: 

is now 

THIS:

and

THIS:

now looks like

THIS:

Rat bastards.

Meanwhile I now look like...

THIS:

Except, add a few more pounds to that midsection there. 

It ain't right, I tell you! It just ain't right. What did I ever do to you, Universe?? 

Damn you, Eve, for eating that blasted apple. You started all this. 

Bitch... 

Random's Manifest - Thursday Thoughts

Ta Da!!!  It's time again for RANDOM THOUGHTS!!!  YAY!!!!!!!  I know you're as excited as I am!! 

 

STARVING

Everyone knows that nothing makes you want to do something like being told you can't.  Eating?  No exception. I'm on a fast for a medical procedure tomorrow.  Haven't been able to eat since midnight.  Still have 20 hours to go.  I'm about to keel over.  

There have been plenty of days when I have plain forgotten to eat.  Didn’t feel like this!  Just being told that I can’t have food has made it the central focus of ALL of my thoughts.  I. WANT. FOOD.  So much food.  Hamburgers and fries and shakes and sushi and pizza and ice cream and marshmallows and pop tarts… Anything.  This fruit pie staring at me right now?  I’d eat its cardboard box at this point.  However will I make it to noon tomorrow??  Sigh…

The Bitch is Back

Yes, only the BITCH from the CPA Exam Board could turn the most amazing news into a total pain in my ass.  No congratulations whatsoever for passing Financial.  Rather, I get a curt email informing me that the Board has approved my request for additional time on the remaining section (yay!), followed VERY quickly by another email saying SYKE! – they won’t give me more time without more information (BOO!).  I told her to forget the whole damn thing and give me my Notice to Schedule for the final section.  And, I also indicated that I would NOT be okay with her keeping the $300 she already charged to my credit card to reschedule the section I passed.  I know for a fact she is going to say I shouldn’t have jumped the gun and assumed I would need to retake it, and that she has every right to keep that money.  Not like they don’t already have enough of my money – seeing as I’ve sunk approximately $5,000 into testing fees. 

Normally I reserve my animosity and harassing tendencies for the cable company.  But, I think my focus should shift to the Bitch for a while.  As soon as I pass the last section, I think I will make a hobby of ruining her life, much like she’s ruined mine.  Won’t that be fun?

Want to eat my own arm right now…

The Soap

My name is Kristen, and I’m a Y&R addict.

I admit, I have a problem.  I’ve invested roughly 31 years in the CBS daytime drama, the Young and the Restless.  LITERALLY watching since birth.  And I ask myself -EVERY DAY – why?  This show is insane, and I’m embarrassed that it’s an integral part of my daily life.  All shame aside - a couple of quick requests to the writers/producers:

1. PLEASE go ahead and reveal that “Mama Bear” is Sheila.  And, from the sounds of it, she now has Lauren’s face.  We all know where this lame and overdone storyline is going.  Let’s get this over with…
2. Get rid of Ashley.  Eileen Davidson is NOT a good actress.  She’s proven this in recent weeks.  Get a new one!
3. Billy and Victoria – Thank goodness they finally did it and got it over with.  Now, let’s get those two together for real.  Finally – a couple with chemistry!
4. Lily really needs some better wigs.
5. PLEASE tell Jack that Summer is his.  This is ridiculous.

 

I hope that old lady is okay

When I went to the pharmacy today to pick up my “prep kit” for my procedure tomorrow, a little old lady fell in the parking lot.  I, of course, (being a human being and all – and not Satan) ran to her assistance.  She swore she was okay, but I’m not sure.  She was pretty shaky.  I remember when that sort of thing used to happen to my Granny.  Scares the crap out of me.  I sure hope she’s okay.  Say a little prayer for her…

SOOOOOOOO Hungry….

Hot in the City

So, we all know I’m pretty psyched for spring.  However, I do find it odd that the high today is 85, and tomorrow, it’s 88.  It’s April.  I sure hope this isn’t a sign that our summer will be as dramatic as the winter was…

Bitchy Update

As I’ve been writing this, I heard back from the Bitch on my two [rather forceful] requests.  Yes, she will go ahead and send my Notice to Schedule.  And YES – she will refund the fees.  THANK GOODNESS.  I really didn’t want to have to wait for her in a dark alley with a baseball bat…

Chicken!  Grab hold of that table floating by and drift to safety!

Chicken is under water in Rhode Island!  Oh no!  Our horrible storms from last weekend made their way up to the northeast.  Chicken – I hope there’s no damage!  And, keep the frogs as pets.  They’re so cute!  And you know littleb would love that!   

Alright crazy kids – I’m off to starve some more, and do a little work for a while.  Cross your fingers that I survive this miserable procedure.  And that I can remember there are people who are actually starving in this world, and I am a gigantic spoiled bratty baby. 

Holla!  (Still sounds weird coming from me…)

Random's Manifest - Thursday Thoughts

Random, ENRAGED thoughts today.  Why ENRAGED?  Well, read on to find out…

Opening a can of Whoop-Ass

So, I’ve been taking the CPA Exam for most of my adult life, as you all know.  It is by far one of the most miserable things one can do to one’s self.  The test itself is long, tedious, boring, and FRICKIN’ IMPOSSIBLE.  I know millions have passed it, but they are also far more intelligent, focused, and NOT ADD than I.  Many things have gotten in the way of the exam in the past 3 years.  There was that time I was in the hospital with two collapsed lungs and couldn’t take it.  And then there was the time it was scheduled for the day of my Grandmother’s funeral.  Did I get an extension or a refund of the $400 fees for either of those instances?  NOPE.  “No refunds. No extensions.  No exceptions.”  Verbatim, that is what the crazy bitch at the state CPA Exam Board told me.  There’s $800 I’ll never see again. 

Now, I found out that my ADD diagnosis should permit me to receive an accommodation on the exam, so I can actually finish it this next time I take it.  So, I go to the doctor who diagnosed me and have him fill out annoying forms and write a letter and everything.  And then I filled out annoying forms and wrote a letter, too.  There are two forms online that pertain to diagnosis.  The first is for a physician – if a physician diagnosed you.  The second is for a “professional evaluator” – or someone who diagnosis learning disabilities like ADD for a living.  I was diagnosed by a doctor, so I got him to fill out the appropriate form.  (Note – it has taken me WEEKS and at least 20 emails to the Bitch to even get to this point.  She was unwilling to even tell me where on the website I could find these elusive forms.  Only that they were out there in cyberspace, and I had to fill them out.  I mean, how hard is it to copy and paste a frickin’ link??)

That should do it, right?  WRONG.  No dice.  Apparently, the diagnosis of a licensed psychiatrist is not adequate.  They will not give me the additional 30-60 minutes I need for the test unless I also get diagnosed separately by a professional evaluator.  What that translates to is $2,000 worth of tests that are NOT covered by insurance.  Understand that I’ve already spent THOUSANDS of dollars on this exam.  (Enough to buy a car, probably.)  So, color me crazy for not wanting to sink another $2K into it.  For something that’s ALREADY been done.  I told her as much, and asked to speak to someone above her.  She’s scrambling now.  We’ll see what comes of it.  Regardless, I’m going to the Board Deputy this time…

End rant.

Rain, Rain STAY AWAY

Deac has VERY kindly and generously offered to whisk me away to the beach this weekend to help me de-stress.  This couldn’t come at a better time, as I am currently shaking from the craziness that has ensued today.  BUT, the weather forecast is not looking promising.  So – everyone out there – cross your fingers that, as per usual, the weather people will be WRONG and we’ll get 75 degrees and clear skies all the way…

Out of the road, my Deer

I almost wrecked the car on the highway the other night when I was driving home from work at 1:00 am, because a Deer was just hanging out on the side of the interstate.  It got me to thinking – first about why deer do that!  Stay in the woods, Mr. Deer!  You’re far less likely to end up in the Roadkill Café if you don’t loiter about on busy freeways.  Then my thoughts moved on to the word “deer”.  It’s one of few words whose singular and plural forms are the same.  In fact, for the rest of the drive home, I tried to think of other such words and couldn’t come up with a single one.  Granted, my brain was a little fried at that point, but still.  Can you guys think of any other words like that?

I’m with Stupid à

As I was heading to Mickey D’s this morning for my large coffee and giant iced tea, I heard a rather amusing tale on the “Strange News” report on the morning show.  Check out the story: http://www.nbcconnecticut.com/news/weird/Calling-Ahead-Doesnt-Get-Bank-Robbers-Far-88999452.html.

Words of advice – if you’re going to rob a bank (which I know has crossed my mind today, as I do my bills…), do NOT call ahead and request that the cash be bagged and waiting for you.  What you are much more likely to receive in that case is a fun filled run-in with the fuzz.  Epic PHAIL.  Idiots.

Prayers for a Stinky Dog

My beagle, Snoopy (I know, we’re so original), a.k.a. Stinky, has been diagnosed with the kind of anemia that is caused by internal bleeding.  We hoped it was his arthritis medicine that was causing the bleeding, but it sounds like it’s more serious than that.  He’s an old geezer, but we love him dearly.  Please pray (or send good thoughts, if you’re not the praying type) for our little stinky dog as he undergoes some diagnostic tests.  Hopefully it’s something that can be treated with ease.

Alright, K out.  If I don’t get this memo done, Boss-Man Jr. is going to give me the ax, and I’ll REALLY have to rob a bank.  Don’t worry though, I won’t call ahead for reservations… 

Peace. 

---

This one's for you, CPA Exam Board Lady! 

I'm So Tired - Part Deux - Part Deux

And the day drags on...

7:30pm - Quit screwing around on blog and actually worked.
7:45pm - Quickly got distracted by boy.  (Was ex-boy, but now friend-boy. NOT The Ex - so don't freak out.  Ex-boy from several years ago.  We shall call him Deac.)
7:55pm - Let my delirium take hostage of my fingers and use them to scare Deac with my neurosis (via IM).
8:02pm - Deac recovered.  Still seems to think I'm cool.  Or, something...
8:06pm - Back to work.  For reals this time.
9:04pm - Wondering why I haven't heard from Boss-Man Jr.  Still no food.
9:14pm - Still wondering...
9:38pm - ...and waiting...
9:45pm - ...and realizing I've been forgotten...
10:01pm - Ask Boss-Man Jr. what happened to him.

Response: GAH!  It's 10:00!!!  I'm still here!!! (At work.  Where I also am.) Where can we go eat? (Boss-Man Jr. is in from a much hipper city in New England.) 

Me: Nowhere.  This is Lame-Ville, Southeast, USA.  Nothing's open but IHOP.  (Boss-Man Jr. is of the  health-conscious variety.  Will not consume grease and lard.  I, however, say - BRING ON THE FAT!)

10:10pm - Boss-Man Jr. calls office phone to apologize profusely.  (A little something you should know about Boss-Man Jr. - he's literally the nicest person I've ever met. EVER.  Should be sainted.  It's hard to have a boss that nice, because you're supposed to hate your boss.  It's like a law or something.  But, if you hate Boss-Man Jr., you're basically the Devil incarnate.  It's like hating Mother Teresa.)
10:13pm - I assure Boss-Man Jr. that it is okay.  He bids me adieu.  We shall reconvene in the AM.
10:27pm - (Now.) I am writing this.  And packing up.  And heading home.  Where I shall promptly pass out - God willing.

Goodnight!

(THIS IS FOR ANONYMOUS) :)

I'm So Tired - Part Deux

So. Now that the insanity that was prepping for my meeting is over, I have officially hit the wall. We were running around scrambling so much this morning that I didn't have time to eat. Well, I did eat my McDonald's hashbrowns and one bite of my Egg McMuffin. But that's it. Got a yogurt parfait at Dean & Deluca, but the double dose of Adderall I scarfed down before the meeting killed the mood. (I did this, NOT because I am a speed junkie like Jodie Sweetin, but because I have a tendency to drift off in meetings. Especially when I'm working on mere minutes of sleep. NOT GOOD. Neither is yawning incessantly, which I am also known to do. So, Adderall- washed down with a large coffee - is the answer.)

I should be starving - especially considering I didn't eat lunch or dinner yesterday - but I am too pooped to think about eating (except, I am trying to force down part of this delicious Heath Bar Crunch Brownie I also got at D&D. So. Good.).  You're probably thinking: Why don't you just go home and eat?  Well, I would, but I still have work to do.  LOTS of work.  Didn't RSVP for the free Chick Fil A tonight because I figured Boss-Man Jr. would want to grab dinner al fin del dia. Turns out, he does. At NINE O'CLOCK IN THE PM. That should put me home around 11:30 tonight. Only to turn around and come back at 8:00 again tomorrow. I have 24 charge hours and it's only Tuesday. AND I'm not done for the day.

So, let's look at the last 48 hours, shall we?

Tuesday:
7:00am - Rise & Shine!
8:00am - Get coffee and iced T from Mickey-Ds, and yogurt parfait for later.
8:10am - Make makeshift chicken biscuit from free breakfast scraps.  Scarf down said biscuit.
8:20am - Start workday.
8:31am - Listen to about 15 people make smart-ass comments about how early I was this morning. (Yeah, so - I normally get to work around 10:00.  What of it?)
4:05pm - Realize I should eat something.  Decide on warm yogurt parfait that has been sitting on my desk all day.
6:15pm - Take first break of day.  Create "About Me" section for blog.
7:30pm - Catch up on slacking (read other blogs, email, Facebook).
8:00pm - Start working again.
11:55pm - Leave office.

Wednesday
12:30am - Try to go to sleep.
2:00am - Still trying to go to sleep.
4:00am - Wake from restless sleep.  Force self to go back to sleep.
6:00am - Alarm.  Grr... Hit snooze.
6:15am - Second alarm (whole other alarm clock across the room).  Get out of bed.  Hit snooze. Back in bed.
6:20am - First alarm again.  Get out of bed.  Grumble and swear.  Get attacked by angry cat.
7:30am - Fight traffic.  Purchase coffee and iced tea at Mickey D's.  Also get aforementioned McMuff and HBs.
7:50am - Start day.
8:30am - Boss-Man Jr. arrives.  Wants presentation.
8:32am - Find out Indian office is closed for holiday.  Indian staff did not do research for presentation.
8:38am - Frantically try to find someone else to do research, while I put mad PowerPoint skillz to use.
11:43am - Send presentation to Boss-Man Jr.
11:45am - Make Boss-Man Jr.'s changes.
12.10pm - Boss-Man Sr. decides he doesn't like presentation.  Must do additional research.  Meeting is in 50 minutes.  Presentations not printed or bound.
12:55pm - Presentation finished and printing.  Boss-Man Jr. still wants them bound, even though we're supposed to leave in 5 minutes.
1:22pm - Presentations bound.  Leave for meeting.
1:45pm - Arrive at meeting.  Late.
3:00pm - Leave meeting.  Get food.  Sort of.
3:37pm - Get heel stuck in sidewalk grate.  Walk out of shoe.  Stranger kindly points out: You lost your shoe.  Thanks stranger.  I hadn't realized this.
4:00pm - Arrive back at office.
4:30pm - Stop staring blankly at computer.  Send email.  Blog. Send more email. Blog.
7:13pm - (Now.)  Finish blog.  Must work. Dinner in 2 hours.  Then bed.  Glorious bed. Love bed.  Want to marry bed.  Want to have many of bed's big, soft, cushy babies.  Want to lie in bed like Brian Wilson did.  Want to heave both alarm clocks out window in morning.  Alas - will be here at 8:30am.

Life...is sad.

And Boss-Man Jr. is calling. Undoubtedly to add more to the already 6,000 page-long To Do List...

Guess it's back to work I go.  SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.