On Love, In Sadness

Sadness really pisses me off. Not because he makes me feel like crap, but because he's such an elusive little bastard. He can come out of nowhere, at any time, at any place. There's no logic to it. You're just humming along, rocking out to some Jason Mraz, and WHAMMO. You're sad. You start thinking about your past, lost relationships, and seemingly empty future. You go from perfectly content to perfectly miserable, all before the light changes at the intersection.

That happened to me today. I got some studying in this morning, had a good lunch at Panera, and then saw Valentine's Day with my sis and a friend. (It was cute. A little too "happily ever after" for my taste, but fun nonetheless.) I hit up the library, and then headed home in beautiful snowfall. Everything was great. Then, BAM. Sad. I don't know why. It wasn't expected, and there was no reason for it. It just hit me.

Jennifer Garner's character in the movie said that Valentine's Day was the single girl's ultimate cosmic bitch slap. That may be so, but Valentine's Day isn't the source of the slap. Sure, it's what you feel whap your face every year on February 14th, but Valentine's Day is just the hand of Sadness. Even though V-day may deliver the blow, Sadness is the impetus behind it. Even more bad news - Sadness has another hand, and that one can slug you any day of the year. Even on Friday, February 12th. The good news? Just because you're in the ring with Sadness, doesn't mean you're down and out.

I know that sometimes we just have to be sad. It's part of grieving and part of growing. But, that doesn't mean we must give into Sadness every time he sneak-attacks. Sometimes, we need to sucker punch Sadness right in the gut. And during those times, life has a funny way of giving us just the tools we need to fight back. Here are the tools life so generously handed me today:

Jen Schefft's Better Single Than Sorry I only have a couple of pages left in this fabulous book, and every page I read just further validates my decision regarding my most recent relationship, and the outcome of all of my failed relationships past. The little bit that I read when I got home absolutely nailed what I was feeling at that moment. It helped me remember what I need from a relationship, and reminded me that I wasn't getting it from the Ex. Not because the Ex is a bad guy, but just because he was a bad fit for me. I deserve to find someone who is truly and effortlessly compatible with me. Not only that, but I know now that he's out there. Suddenly, I didn't miss the Ex so much. Kristen 1, Sadness 0.

Welcome and unexpected Valentine's Greetings. While I was reading BSTS, the doorbell rang. On my front porch was a box from 1-800-Flowers. In it was an adorable tea rose plant, and a box of chocolates. Funny thing about my dad. Occasionally he forgets our birthdays, and he's even forgotten Christmas before, but he NEVER forgets Valentine's Day. All three of his girls get something special on or before the dreaded day. He wants to make sure that, no matter where we are in our relationships (or even if we're not in one at all), he loves us. And so does my nephew. I got an adorable Cookie Monster card from him this evening, too, and he'd even written his own name on it (and his handwriting is improving so much! - He's 3, btw...). He's so excited about V-day, and can't wait to share it with his Mommy, Mimi (Grandma), and Aunt Kristen. I'm pretty damn lucky, and couldn't ask for a better man to celebrate with. Kristen - 2, Sadness - 0.

Finally, the snow. It's B-eautiful. And accumulating fast! Not in an "oh my God, I'm going to be stuck in this house with nothing to eat but stale saltines" way, but in the "snuggle up with the kitty and watch the Opening Ceremonies" type of way. Totally setting the mood for the Olympics, and for a peaceful and productive weekend (remember, I'm studying). It's making me smile. Kristen - 3, Sadness - 0.

Thanks, life, for helping me fight Sadness today. And for giving me the tools I needed to win. Here's hoping that this afternoon will mark the Big S's one and only appearance this weekend...

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Side note - How frickin' awesome is this video? Watch it. Notice the 'stache on Matthew Wilder. And, is that a glittery green thong leotard on that one girl? Wow. Only in the late 70s/early 80s. Gotta love it!

Somebody to Love

I have been single now for three weeks (counting the week before the actual breakup, during which he "needed time to think", and therefore didn't see me), and I'm still standing. The events, revelations, and epiphanies that have unfolded in the past 21 days have been rather astounding and, for the most part, a source of pride for me. I am proud of myself for realizing what I need for my life, and further for realizing that I wasn't getting it from my relationship. I am proud of myself for finally admitting that I deserve to get what I need, and for walking away from a person who just couldn't give it to me, no matter how hard either of us tried. I am proud of myself for realizing my part in the downward spiral that was my relationship, and for understanding my role in all disastrous relationships past. And, most of all, I am proud of myself for making the decision to address my inner demons, get past them, and learn to love the beautiful person inside (yes, I said beautiful - when describing myself - which is a big step in and of itself).

But, I haven't been the pinnacle of maturity and grace, by any means. I have had moments of weakness and childishness; pettiness and self-loathing. Every day it gets a little better, until it gets a little worse. But then I rally, remember why I walked in the first place, and I forgive myself for my imperfections. I am human, and sometimes, it's just going to be hard. I have to be kind to myself, and give myself time to recover.

For most of my adult life, my theme song has been Queen's Somebody to Love. I've felt like my life would never be complete, or even begin, until I found "The One". I dug my fingernails into every relationship, no matter how bad, and hung on to love for dear life. None of them were right - or even close (though, not always for lack of trying or good intentions). But, nonetheless, I acted as if each and every boyfriend was the last man on Earth, and I'd be forever alone and worthless without him.

I'm happy to report that things have changed. I understand that the next relationship won't necessarily be the last, and that I can be okay on my own either way. Don't get me wrong - I would still love to find my future husband. But, it just isn't the only thing on my mind these days. I'm learning to appreciate the finer things in my life: GREAT friends, family, a decent job, an adorable house, a fantastic education, and unlimited potential. Best of all, I have a clean slate. I can live the rest of my life as anyone I want to be - and that is a confident, independent, loving, motivated woman, and someone who understands that she is just fine - no, FABULOUS - just the way she is.

I've already found my Somebody to Love. She's been there all along. And she is ME.

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Relationship: A Story in Song

Hellogoodbye widget by 6L &

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All At Once – Fray lyrics text from [lyricsyoulove.com]

Defying Gravity – Glee Cast lyrics text from [lyricsyoulove.com]