The following ramblings are based on real-life experiences, mishaps, and downright screw-ups. Names (of past, present, and future boyfriends) have been changed or omitted to protect the innocent. And the guilty...

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Say Something Funny - First Semi-Annual Facebook Status Awards

I have some very funny/witty/clever/wise friends. And a lot of them say some really great stuff in their Facebook statuses. So, I thought I'd post some of my favorites! Some of these have already made an appearance in prior posts, but they weren't separated into apropos categories! Hope you enjoy. I sure did!


I really hate my computer. If it had the capability, I would fight it...and probably lose.

(re the iPad):

I wish they had named it something else. "iPad" sounds like (a) a futuristic feminine hygiene product, or (b) someone from Boston attempting to pronounce the word "iPod."

Personally, I prefer iTampons.


My kid might be a redneck. He just referred to ranch dressing as "white ketchup."

"Cleaning the house before your kids grow up is like shoveling the driveway before it stops snowing." :)


(FRIEND'S NAME HERE) wonders why facebook keeps suggesting she be friends with herself?

Would ya stop it with the colors?

Please stop posting kisses, hugs, angels, wishes, blessings, smiles or any other manner of hippy bullcrap onto my profile. Also, I'm not going to help you find a lost cow or some gangster's lunchbox. Sorry. I'm just not. So don't do it.

(on Urbandictionary Name Game (See Post: My Name Is)):

According to urban dictionary, everyone everywhere is the nicest, sweetest, most funloving, best cooking and bartending, hottest most gorgeous, most talented athlete in the world. Not only that, we are all going to be rich, so hold on to each and every one of us!!!

That urbandictionary.com called me a douche. And then defined douche.


Your snow comment or complaint here: ______________!

i want to punch snow in the face.

(In Response) Hey, I have friends that are snowflakes. That was offensive.


If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.

I just sharpened a pencil with a knife. I feel like such a man. I'm gonna go show my mom!

Well, that was quick. I've already been dubbed the "Tax Molester" in the office. Huzzah!

There are two things that I affectionately remember from my childhood: opening presents on Christmas and Conan O'Brien. Thank you NBC for punching one of them in the face.

Not impressed with lady in the big SUV with the Jesus fish symbol and "religious" school sticker on her cell phone who honked at me and then cut me off. WWJD?

Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face as you push them down the stairs.


Names were left out of the above on purpose. See your own status listed? Want to take credit for your genius? POST A COMMENT! Tell everyone that you're way funnier than they are!

Also, the Facebook Status Awards are going to become a tradition. Have super funny friends? Are YOU super funny? Then keep me updated with your favorite Facebook statuses. I'll post them here!


HomeBrewMe said...

That white ketchup status is hysterical!

Stolen Sentiments said...

Do you see you even get your own tag? Seriously - I hope you're feeling positively overwhelmed with emotion right now.

Anonymous said...

Oh these were great. I'm glad you finally got them posted! Slinky, you're my favorite, though I saw a certain Carl Sagan quote that looked awfully familiar ;) To that particular status, someone else posted Carl Sagan's apple pie recipe. It was warm and fuzzy.

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