DISCLAIMER:

The following ramblings are based on real-life experiences, mishaps, and downright screw-ups. Names (of past, present, and future boyfriends) have been changed or omitted to protect the innocent. And the guilty...

Friday, March 19, 2010

Say Something Funny - Second (Now) MONTHLY Facebook Status Awards

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Well, since my friends are so gosh darn funny, I’ve decided to make the Facebook Status Awards a MONTHLY event!  Enjoy!

WORKIN’:

So I sent an email to this attorney who is a partner at a huge law firm, and he writes me back "You spelled my name wrong." My natural reaction was to apologize, but then I remembered that I don't work for him so I ignored him.


It's days like these I lose a little more faith in this system we call justice. And staple my thumb

How do you tell someone that you have worked with for awhile that your name is NOT Colleen? I even wear a nametag. Clearly it does not say Colleen. That is not my name.

If I get MRSA from that defendant today, I'm suing. Getting flesh eating diseases is NOT supposed to be an occupational hazard of prosecuting DWIs. Not cool.

SNOW:

[Friend] is looking forward to tomorrow: getting trash and recycling to the proper receptacles, and doing laundry. And eating everything that's left in the house, down to the canned pumpkin


Snow gives me the creeps. It's all quiet and sneaky and then it lands and it's thick and nasty and mean. It makes me feel claustrophobic.

[Friend] just read on someone's status update that it's snowing. Holy smokes?! Why didn't anyone post that it's snowing. I'd totally missed out on it!! {sarcasm, what?}

PARENTING:
My 3 year old just explained the "Jaws of Life" to me while I was shampooing his hair. Glad to know we're getting our money's worth from the Episcopal Preschool!

Parenting a sick child is like trying to reason with a trash can.

[My son] just told our dog to "get out of the f*cking damn way!" I told him those weren't words we used and he had to ask Jake nicely to move. Good Parenting? (not drawing a lot of attention to the ugly words) Bad Parenting? (he learned it from me!) Both? (um, self explanatory!) But...really...Jake should get out of his f*cking damn way.

BEING PARENTED:
Why is it that when you told your mom that you were bored she would tell you to read a book? That kind of answer would only anger me. So instead of being just bored, I was now angry and bored at the same time.

Yes! My mom gave up FB for lent! I can say bad words on here again for 40 days!!

POLITICS:
Dear Barack Obama, I don't give a flying shit what your bracket looks like. Get on the stick and do something productive. Oh wait, you haven't done anything productive since you became president. MY bad... Sincerely, [Friend]

So is Pelosi the BIZARRO Palin, or is Palin the BIZARRO Pelosi?

TOTALLY RANDOM:
Dear Dr. Drew, My love for you burns like the flame that licks the Whopper on the Burger King commercial. Please don't tell [my husband] about our DVR dates while he's at work (he thinks I'm cleaning the bathroom). XOXO…

To the mom on Toddlers & Tiaras - that's a stripper pole in your living room, not a "vertical ballet bar." You're not fooling anyone.

I just got called an Asshat.
Response: The truth hurts.

So, I went to run a work errand and I really got an eyeful earlier.... Men should not go running and wear spandex and nothing else!!! Put some shorts on buddy!!! I do not want to see your business at the corner of Poplar Pike and Ridgeway. And stop staring at me while you jog in place!!

I am about to go shake down a second grader. "Where my Guuuuuurl Scout Cookies at yo?, I gotcha money right hurrrrrrre."

[i] worked really hard making tuna casserole tonight for dinner to hear [my husband] say "I might be able to keep it down and not throw it up if there was nothing else in the whole house to eat." And now [my son] won't eat it and no one can understand why i am offended!!

Seriously just passed an SUV on I-40 with a coffin tied to the roof...here's hoping there is no one in it…

Remember when TGIF meant Full House, Step By Step, and Family Matters instead of discreet vodka shooters at lunch?

I love how self-serving facebook is...if you are wondering if this is directed at you, it is.

I often think I could win a competitive donut eating competition if given the chance.

Why am I sooooooo grumpy and hungry when I wake up? I often wonder if I still am just a tall toddler.
Response: Tall?

Granny: "The next winter Olympics is gonna be in Russia. That means Russia is gonna win all them medals." Me: "Well, the Olympics were in Canada this year and they didn't win all the medals." Granny: "Yeah, but Russia is not Canada." Me: "Hmm..."

[Friend] Is feeling the Valentine’s Day spirit...who yall takin for mood music on V-day, I'm thinking throwback Usher—Confessions

 

Totally just considered buying suspect deli quiche simply because sign read "Le Quiche." Le sigh. That's how you get le e coli.

NOTES:

Names were left out of the above on purpose. See your own status listed? Want to take credit for your genius? POST A COMMENT! Tell everyone that you're way funnier than they are!

Also, the Facebook Status Awards are a monthly event. Have super funny friends? Are YOU super funny? Then keep me updated with your favorite Facebook statuses. I'll post them here!


2 comments:

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Very cute idea, SS. Love the one about Granny.

Stolen Sentiments said...

my favorite is the one about the dog getting in the 3-year-old's way. my mom is TOTALLY going to have my nephew saying the same F***ing Da*n thing here pretty soon. (As long as he doesn't learn it from me!!)

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