We Are the World - Wednesday

Time for a shot of philanthropy!!!  

This week's do-gooder is none other than my old pal, Tim!!!  You've read his Facebook statuses and laughed your ass off.  Now it's time to get to know his heroic side! 

Why am I featuring Tim, you ask?  Well, because he ROCKS!  And, he's decided to become a FEARLESS firefighter!!  What a job, folks.  I don't know how he does it.  But, I guess he's no stranger to heroism - Tim used to be a frickin' Marine, for goodness sake!  Saving lives is second nature!  

I asked Tim send me an email answering a couple of quick questions.  Here are his responses: 

Q: Why did you want to become a firefighter?

A: I wanted to be a firefighter because it's a pretty sweet job. You get to help people and you only work every third day.

Q: What was the "interview" like?  (If you call it that...)

A: The interview process sucked. It consisted of 8 steps, including a polygraph, a psychological interview, both written and oral, interviews by a couple of firefighters just to make sure they would want to be stationed with you...it's a long freacking process.

Q: How's training going?  (Tim's in the middle of the training process.  From the sounds of it, it's grueling.  His FB status yesterday: "I just had the toughest day of my life...so far...")

A: I have a blister the size of a quarter on each heel.  Training sucks. They try to intimidate you through yelling and playing mind games, but I have been through that before being in the marine corps, so I think it's actually kind of funny. They think they are going to break me but it's not going to happen.

Q: When are you done with training? 

A: Mid-July I think. Can't wait!!! But then starts the 16 weeks of EMT school   But when that's over, I'll be a firefighter/EMT.

Q: Are you regretting your decision? 

A:  Not at all, just looking forward to training being over. That's all.

Q: What are you looking forward to most about being a firefighter? 

A: Fighting fires.

Me: HA!

So, there you have it.  Inspiring words from a man who knows how to save lives.  Good stuff.  Let's all cross our fingers and say a little prayer for Tim - that he gets through training and can get to work!  

In the meantime, Tim - WE SALUTE YOU!!! 

Say Something Funny - Second (Now) MONTHLY Facebook Status Awards

Well, since my friends are so gosh darn funny, I’ve decided to make the Facebook Status Awards a MONTHLY event!  Enjoy!

WORKIN’:

So I sent an email to this attorney who is a partner at a huge law firm, and he writes me back "You spelled my name wrong." My natural reaction was to apologize, but then I remembered that I don't work for him so I ignored him.

It's days like these I lose a little more faith in this system we call justice. And staple my thumb

How do you tell someone that you have worked with for awhile that your name is NOT Colleen? I even wear a nametag. Clearly it does not say Colleen. That is not my name.

If I get MRSA from that defendant today, I'm suing. Getting flesh eating diseases is NOT supposed to be an occupational hazard of prosecuting DWIs. Not cool.

SNOW:

[Friend] is looking forward to tomorrow: getting trash and recycling to the proper receptacles, and doing laundry. And eating everything that's left in the house, down to the canned pumpkin

Snow gives me the creeps. It's all quiet and sneaky and then it lands and it's thick and nasty and mean. It makes me feel claustrophobic.

[Friend] just read on someone's status update that it's snowing. Holy smokes?! Why didn't anyone post that it's snowing. I'd totally missed out on it!! {sarcasm, what?}

PARENTING:

My 3 year old just explained the "Jaws of Life" to me while I was shampooing his hair. Glad to know we're getting our money's worth from the Episcopal Preschool!

Parenting a sick child is like trying to reason with a trash can.

[My son] just told our dog to "get out of the f*cking damn way!" I told him those weren't words we used and he had to ask Jake nicely to move. Good Parenting? (not drawing a lot of attention to the ugly words) Bad Parenting? (he learned it from me!) Both? (um, self explanatory!) But...really...Jake should get out of his f*cking damn way.

BEING PARENTED:

Why is it that when you told your mom that you were bored she would tell you to read a book? That kind of answer would only anger me. So instead of being just bored, I was now angry and bored at the same time.

Yes! My mom gave up FB for lent! I can say bad words on here again for 40 days!!

POLITICS:

Dear Barack Obama, I don't give a flying shit what your bracket looks like. Get on the stick and do something productive. Oh wait, you haven't done anything productive since you became president. MY bad... Sincerely, [Friend]

So is Pelosi the BIZARRO Palin, or is Palin the BIZARRO Pelosi?

TOTALLY RANDOM:

Dear Dr. Drew, My love for you burns like the flame that licks the Whopper on the Burger King commercial. Please don't tell [my husband] about our DVR dates while he's at work (he thinks I'm cleaning the bathroom). XOXO…

To the mom on Toddlers & Tiaras - that's a stripper pole in your living room, not a "vertical ballet bar." You're not fooling anyone.

I just got called an Asshat.

Response: The truth hurts.

So, I went to run a work errand and I really got an eyeful earlier.... Men should not go running and wear spandex and nothing else!!! Put some shorts on buddy!!! I do not want to see your business at the corner of Poplar Pike and Ridgeway. And stop staring at me while you jog in place!!

I am about to go shake down a second grader. "Where my Guuuuuurl Scout Cookies at yo?, I gotcha money right hurrrrrrre."

[i] worked really hard making tuna casserole tonight for dinner to hear [my husband] say "I might be able to keep it down and not throw it up if there was nothing else in the whole house to eat." And now [my son] won't eat it and no one can understand why i am offended!!

Seriously just passed an SUV on I-40 with a coffin tied to the roof...here's hoping there is no one in it…

Remember when TGIF meant Full House, Step By Step, and Family Matters instead of discreet vodka shooters at lunch?

I love how self-serving facebook is...if you are wondering if this is directed at you, it is.

I often think I could win a competitive donut eating competition if given the chance.

Why am I sooooooo grumpy and hungry when I wake up? I often wonder if I still am just a tall toddler.

Response: Tall?

Granny: "The next winter Olympics is gonna be in Russia. That means Russia is gonna win all them medals." Me: "Well, the Olympics were in Canada this year and they didn't win all the medals." Granny: "Yeah, but Russia is not Canada." Me: "Hmm..."

[Friend] Is feeling the Valentine’s Day spirit...who yall takin for mood music on V-day, I'm thinking throwback Usher—Confessions

 

Totally just considered buying suspect deli quiche simply because sign read "Le Quiche." Le sigh. That's how you get le e coli.

NOTES:

Names were left out of the above on purpose. See your own status listed? Want to take credit for your genius? POST A COMMENT! Tell everyone that you're way funnier than they are!

Also, the Facebook Status Awards are a monthly event. Have super funny friends? Are YOU super funny? Then keep me updated with your favorite Facebook statuses. I'll post them here!

Say Something Funny - First Semi-Annual Facebook Status Awards

I have some very funny/witty/clever/wise friends. And a lot of them say some really great stuff in their Facebook statuses. So, I thought I'd post some of my favorites! Some of these have already made an appearance in prior posts, but they weren't separated into apropos categories! Hope you enjoy. I sure did!

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TECHNOLOGY

I really hate my computer. If it had the capability, I would fight it...and probably lose.

(re the iPad):

I wish they had named it something else. "iPad" sounds like (a) a futuristic feminine hygiene product, or (b) someone from Boston attempting to pronounce the word "iPod."

Personally, I prefer iTampons.

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KIDS

My kid might be a redneck. He just referred to ranch dressing as "white ketchup."

"Cleaning the house before your kids grow up is like shoveling the driveway before it stops snowing." :)

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FACEBOOK

(FRIEND'S NAME HERE) wonders why facebook keeps suggesting she be friends with herself?

Would ya stop it with the colors?

Please stop posting kisses, hugs, angels, wishes, blessings, smiles or any other manner of hippy bullcrap onto my profile. Also, I'm not going to help you find a lost cow or some gangster's lunchbox. Sorry. I'm just not. So don't do it.

(on Urbandictionary Name Game (See Post: My Name Is)):

According to urban dictionary, everyone everywhere is the nicest, sweetest, most funloving, best cooking and bartending, hottest most gorgeous, most talented athlete in the world. Not only that, we are all going to be rich, so hold on to each and every one of us!!!

That urbandictionary.com called me a douche. And then defined douche.

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SNOW

Your snow comment or complaint here: ______________!

i want to punch snow in the face.

(In Response) Hey, I have friends that are snowflakes. That was offensive.

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TOTALLY RANDOM

If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.

I just sharpened a pencil with a knife. I feel like such a man. I'm gonna go show my mom!

Well, that was quick. I've already been dubbed the "Tax Molester" in the office. Huzzah!

There are two things that I affectionately remember from my childhood: opening presents on Christmas and Conan O'Brien. Thank you NBC for punching one of them in the face.

Not impressed with lady in the big SUV with the Jesus fish symbol and "religious" school sticker on her cell phone who honked at me and then cut me off. WWJD?

Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face as you push them down the stairs.

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NOTES:

Names were left out of the above on purpose. See your own status listed? Want to take credit for your genius? POST A COMMENT! Tell everyone that you're way funnier than they are!

Also, the Facebook Status Awards are going to become a tradition. Have super funny friends? Are YOU super funny? Then keep me updated with your favorite Facebook statuses. I'll post them here!

Ayo Technology

A PC-User's Lament:

I have about 5 more hours or so of work left today, but I thought I'd take a bloggin' break. Part of the reason my work-day will likely stretch well past the 12-hour mark lies with my STUPID COMPUTER. Something that should have taken a few hours, tops, has taken me about a week. It would appear that Excel simply cannot handle such grueling tasks as deleting text from a cell, or creating a 3-line drop-down list. Apparently, I am asking far too much from a program that is supposedly designed to produce massive, complex pivot tables and macros (I still don't fully understand what either of those are, by the way). It just can't process my seemingly unreasonable requests, and must react by "Not Responding", crashing, or otherwise crapping out and destroying my data. Wouldn't you know - the first day in ages that I'm highly motivated to get work done, and I have to actually BE PATIENT!?!? Oh Excel, why hast thou forsaken me?? Sigh...

While we're on the subject, I have some questions for my sucktabulous HP laptop, as well:

1. Mr. HP, why can you not shut down or go into sleep mode if there's anything plugged into you? Why must you restart over and over and over again if I happen to forget to unplug my Internet cable or, God-forbid, my mouse?
2. For that matter, why did you stop picking up the wireless signal at the office, thus forcing me to use said Internet cable in the first place?
3. And, why can't you boot up with anything plugged into you, either??
4. Further - are you and Microsoft Office in cahoots? Is that why, 99% of the time, at least one OfficeSuite program will "Stop Working" by 5:00 in the evening? Typically (and conveniently, I might add) just moments after missing that crucial Auto-Save, during which I might have salvaged hours of tireless effort?
5. And damn it, Mr. HP! Why can't you find documents that are stored on your hard-drive the first time I ask for them? Seriously - my QLICI checklist is there. I swear. I promise you could find it on the first try. That is, if you actually looked...
6. And finally...Your speakers suck.

End Rant.

Tim: I really hate my computer. If it had the capability, I would fight it...and probably lose.

Hey Julie - Fountains of Wayne (Scrubs Mix)

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow...

Second post today, because it's a SNOW DAY!!

Well, sort of. It is a Saturday, so there's no work to get out of, and it didn't really snow all that much, but WHO CARES! I still call it a snow day - which means I feel absolutely no remorse about still being in my pajamas, and watching Nickelodeon Movies' "Snow Day" on DVD. Yes, it's geared towards 9-year-olds, but that doesn't mean I can't love it, too!

So, here's some random, Snow Day inspired thoughts and musings:

The Soap:

Trolling the Y&R Chat Boards to find out about why in the world CBS found it necessesary to re-cast the role of Tucker McCall (No more Boy Meets World Dad? SAD!), I stumbled across the following comment, which I felt sums up the soap quite nicely:

dailyobserver
Fri, Jan 15 - 6:09 pm
I like the current Tucker. I see no need for a new one.

A few suggestions...

Get that baby back to Sharon.
Let Jack be Summer's father.
Find Jill's mother.
Get Lilly some decent hats.

This is still the funniest video ever:

Miscellaneous:

I wonder how much it's costing taxpayers to have the Pres and the VP at the big game today? (I don't have a clue who's playing, and I don't care - but I do know that our fearless leader is taking a day off to partake...)

I wonder if the Ice Cream Man will endure the actual ice today to deliver his goods?

Maybe all this sleet will stay frozen, and the Snow Day will turn into a Snow Weekend, which will then run over into a Snow Monday. Wouldn't that be just the greatest??

I've signed up for NetFlix. I am getting "Post Grad" on Monday. What are the odds that I will live to regret this, as it will likely become one more thing to which I get addicted?

I love Mallomars. Even the store-brand kind.

Oh, Tim, how your Facebook statuses make me laugh: Tim: I've been told that I look just like Timothy McVeigh so you'll excuse me if I don't post a dumbledorfer or what ever it's called.

Stupid Girl

Grr... Signed up for a free trial and then forgot about it and got charged for a subscription. Darn it! I'm such a sucker!

In other news:

For some reason, the Ice Cream Man visited my neighborhood today. Isn't that normally an activity reserved for months other than January? I wonder if they are connected to the drug dealers that operated under the guise of Ice Cream men and out of a warehouse across the street from my high school. Hmm... I may have to investigate further...

In addition: BEST FACEBOOK STATUS of the week:

Tim: Please stop posting kisses, hugs, angels, wishes, blessings, smiles or any other manner of hippy bullcrap onto my profile. Also, I'm not going to help you find a lost cow or some gangster's lunchbox. Sorry. I'm just not. So don't do it.

Here, here, Tim! We salute you!

For Tim: http://s0.ilike.com/play#Violent+Femmes:Kiss+Off:15424:m4376691