The following ramblings are based on real-life experiences, mishaps, and downright screw-ups. Names (of past, present, and future boyfriends) have been changed or omitted to protect the innocent. And the guilty...

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Tell Me Why - Wednesday

New segment here on Musical Musings.  While I will still focus on wonderful people/organizations some Wednesdays, I will also be asking you guys some deep, life-altering questions.  So, without delay, the VERY FIRST...

Today, dear readers,

TELL ME WHY...........          

...........I WATCH THIS CRAP?!?!

To which crap am I referring?  That would be this crap: 

We all know that, when it comes to TV, I have serious issues.  And I mean SERIOUS.  This might be the biggest piece of crap I watch, and that is saying a helluva lot.  I've already featured "Secret Life" in a post before (see this Trash Talk), but I didn't really delve into what makes the show so gosh-darn stupid.  Instead of creating a drawn out diatribe explaining my theories, as is my usual way, I will instead list all of the stupid, unbelievable story lines in the show, and explain the flaws in the characters and the actors who portray them. 

  1. 1.   Ben's Devotion to Amy: Ben.  Cute kid, albeit it gawky and annoying.  He decides he needs a girlfriend.  His two friends point out Amy.  That is, Amy BEFORE the baby bump started to show.  He goes on a date with Amy.  He then, IMMEDIATELY, falls in love with Amy.  In real life, that kid would've run like hell when he found out the girl he'd been out with ONCE was pregnant with the Big Playboy On Campus's kid.  But NOOOOO.  Ben confesses his undying love for Amy, and frickin' proposes.  They're FIFTEEN!  The first season culminated with the two running off to get married.  Of course, that wasn't remotely legal, so it didn't last.  They break up.  He sleeps with her Baby-Daddy's ex, gets her pregnant, doesn't know it, and is now back together with Amy.  Of course, the shit will hit the fan next week when Amy finds out about Adrienne's poppin' fresh bun in the oven... 

    Ø  Characters: 

    o  Amy: Irritating, self-centered, whiny, band-geek narcissist.  And I hate her hair.  (Actress Shailene Woodley isn't THAT bad, but she still gets on my nerves.) 
    o  Ben: As aforementioned, gawky and annoying.  (Actor Ken Baumann - definitely not great.  Probably would throw him in the "minoring in drama, majoring in accounting" talent category.)

    2.     Jack Does Grace: Ah, Grace.  President of the Chastity Club (though it doesn’t have the charming irony of the same storyline in Glee).  To save her pathetic high school relationship from the class tramp Adrienne, Grace decides to bare all for Jackie-Boy and do the nasty.  And, she ABSOLUTELY loves it.  Becomes almost obsessed with it.  In fact, her obsession with it prompts a whole episode on masturbation.  (DON’T ask.)  What 15 year old GIRL loves sex that much after the first time?  And yet somehow manages to never do it again?  (Nope, never again.)  Really? I don’t think so.  Actually, the only realistic part of this dramatic travesty – sex makes the two kids realize they don’t like each other all that much after all…

    Ø  Characters: 

    o   Jack: Typical bumbling idiot teenage guy.  Decent looking.  Particularly moronic when it comes to girls. (Actor Greg Finley…SUCKS.)
    o   Grace: Not that cute, but is supposed to be the pure, sweet, chaste, and innocent high-school hottie.  Doesn’t really pull it off all that well.  Kind of bugs me.  Definitely borders on hypocritical.  (Actress Megan Park – not bad.  But not that good, either.)

    3.     Madison and Lauren: Amy’s two cronies.  They are so craptastic in every possible way.  Characters and actresses alike.  SUCK.  So bad.  So bad in fact, that’s all the explanation they get.

    4.     George and Anne Jeurgens: Oh Molly, Molly.  What happened to you?  When did you become the world’s worst actress?  When did you decide you would accept the stupidest storylines of all time?  Yes, that’s Molly Ringwald I’m talking about.  Beloved…


    And Sammy Davis Baker Jr: 

    Now, she’s a divorced/on again-off again pseudo-reconciled ex-wife mother who got pregnant by her ex husband.  They have a very bizarre and incredibly lame relationship.  She tries to convince some random guy that she dated for five minutes that the baby was his.  He cheats on her with slut Adrienne’s mom and gets hair plugs.  They are God. Awful. 

    Ø  Characters:

    o   Anne: I think I’ve adequately explained her.
    o   George: And him. (Actor Mark Derwin is pretty funny though, and adds some much needed comic relief to the show.)

    Ironically, the slut Adrienne/Playboy Ricky storyline is actually pretty realistic and well done.  Both actors (Francia Raisa and Daren Kasagoff) are actually decent.  Adrienne is very pretty in an exotic way.  Daren isn’t hot enough to pull off his role, but I guess he has that mysterious, troubled boy thing going.  My favorite character is Ashley, with her incredibly dry sense of humor and monotone line delivery.  Certainly not winning an Emmy any time soon, but still pretty good.

    OH!  BEST OF ALL!!!  The new guidance counselor??  MAYIM BIALICK!  YEP!  BLOSSOM!!!

    OMG.  She could almost warrant an entire post herself. But I'll save that for another day.

    So, with all of that said, WHY IN THE HELL do I tune into ABC Family EVERY Monday night at 8:00 pm EST???  What is wrong with me, dear readers???  WHY??

    A dollar to whoever can give me the answer.

    Bon Jeudi! 

    (Oh - sorry for the jacked up font.  Not sure what's up with that tonight...) 


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