Trash Talk Tuesday

OPINIONS AHEAD. 

PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

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I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack...  Did you miss me??  Sorry if you're all in Kristen withdrawal.  Duty (aka work and the CPA exam) calls.

Today's topic: Me. 

Yep, I'm trash talking myself.  Well, not like you're thinking.  I'm trash talking the element of my psyche that makes me sabotage my efforts to succeed.

I took what should've been the last section of the beast today (CPA exam, in case you're new here).  No way I passed.  And I have no one to blame but myself.  I wasn't prepared.  There, I said it.  No blaming work.  No blaming the test, the weather, the neighbors, my stomach, my head, my cat.  Just me.  I didn't properly prepare.

Any normal person would say: "WOW - after all this time, I've finally passed the 3 hardest of the 4 parts of the worst exam in history.  And, I only have what's considered to be the easiest part leftt.  AND, I've even passed this very section before!  There's nothing that will stop me from finally getting this done!  Yay for studying!"  

But, if you've ever read this blog before, you know I am FAR from normal... 

Honestly, I think the problem might be that I don't know what I would do if I actually passed this thing, because that would mean I'm not a failure after all.  So I subconsciously do whatever it takes to screw up my chances of finally getting it done. I think this stupid mentality started in law school.  Law school encompassed the three most disheartening, frustrating, and often miserable years of my life.  I know how much I learned from the experience, and I appreciate what it must have done for my character.  But, I also know that trying SOOO hard to always be just mediocre really broke me down.  And, after a lifetime of school - two bachelor's degrees and a law degree - I am purely academically fried.  Anything resembling learning/testing causes my brain to shut down.  Concepts that should be easy for me to grasp are beyond me.  Not at work, mind you.  Just on tests.

Today, for example - I mixed up so many formulas in my head.  God only knows how off I was on all of those questions.  But, I have nobody to blame but me.  I didn't prepare enough.  I didn't study enough.  I didn't take it seriously.  I worked, watched TV, cleaned my house - anything but study.  I should've been studying every day for weeks.  Yesterday was a 13-hour work day, and I got about 3 hours of sleep on Sunday night.  So - leaving my cramming to the last minute was really stupid.  Clearly, I did not retain anything I looked at last night.

I walked out of there today confused, tired, angry, frustrated, sad - and incidentally very hungry.  But more than anything, I walked out of there disappointed in myself.  Perhaps as disappointed as I've ever been.

Alright - enough whining and negativity.  Every day is a new beginning, right?  And every failure is just an opportunity to learn.  So, I need to learn from this - for once and for all.  Not just say I'll do better next time.  No - next time I sit down at that archaic testing center computer and gear up to fly through 3 testlets of multiple choice questions, I WILL PASS DAMN IT!  No matter how many practice questions it takes.  No matter how many weekends with Deac I have to give up.  No matter how many episodes of gLee I have to miss. 

I'll get my official results in a month.  I'd say that maybe there will be a miracle and I will somehow pass, but I think I used up my quota of CPA Exam-related miracles (See Hey Ya).  So when I get my Matrix-O-Weaknesses in a few weeks, I can re-register and schedule the exam.  So, in 6 weeks, you will be reading the words of a Certified Public Accountant.  As God is my witness - I'll never go in unprepared again. 

End rant.